Exclusive Colton POV Post…..
Just to sat thank you because I have THE BEST readers in the world – seriously, you guys rock! And the V.P. Pit Crew? I have no words to tell you how much your support and enthusiasm fuels me to write faster every single day.
Somewhere the idea formed that if both Driven and Fueled reached 1,000 reviews on Amazon, I’d post an exclusive Colton Point of View. A POV post of your choosing…so you all voted and then you all promoted and then all of the reviews started coming in…so without further ado – my THANK YOU to you, a never before read Colton POV from Fueled.
Anger vibrates through me.
My teeth are grinding. My hands fisted. My blood pounding.
“Get your fucking hands off of me Sammy!”
He just laughs and at me in that snarky way he has, and I’ve just added him to the list of people I want to punch. Right after that fucking bar-boy. I try to jerk my shoulders from his hands as he steers me down the hall, but I should know better by now, he’s stronger than a fucking ox.
I’m so pissed at him.
So pissed at her.
So pissed at myself for the shit I tried to pull earlier without trying to make things right.
Rage blinds me and since every fucking room in this resort looks the same, I don’t even realize what room Sammy shoves me in to. By the time I look up, it’s too fucking late.
“Uh-uh! No way! Get that egotistical asshole out of here!”
My head snaps up the minute I hear her voice. Sugar and spice laced together. Rage and lust and pure need collide momentarily until my mind flashes back to the image of Rylee with that fucker in the bar. This feeling fucking sucks!
I hate her.
I want her.
I hate that I fucking want her so much that this is fucking killing me.
And I see her. Hurt staining her face and fire in her eyes and I do the only thing I know how to do…push away the good and prepare for the pain. “Fuckin’ A, Becks! What the fuck is this?” I yell pissed that I was coerced into a confrontation that I don’t want. That I do want. I don’t know what the fuck I want. I notice her packed suitcase and my heart fucking constricts in my chest.
She’s leaving me? She always said she’d stay. That she understood. I guess she doesn’t understand me as much as I thought she did. I say the only thing I can to hide the hurt lancing through me. To hide the unexpected let down that drops through my soul knowing she doesn’t want to be here and watch me chase the green flag tomorrow.
I confessed that I use pleasure to bury the pain…well fuck, right now, I’m about to use anger to hide the forshadowed devastation.
“Thank Christ! Don’t let the door hit you in the ass, sweetheart!”
She steps toward me and I can see the fire in her eyes, the fury in her lips, and that goddamn defiance in her posture. That defiance that makes me ache to take her like no other fucking woman I’ve ever met before, ever had before.
“This is over here and now!” Beckett’s voice booms at us in a tone I’ve heard very few times during our friendship. Instinct has me turning to look at him because last time I heard him like this he threw a punch at me. I don’t need this shit right now. Not Becks pissed and sure as hell not him interfering. “I don’t care if I have to lock you in this fucking room together, but you two are going to figure your shit out or you’re not leaving. Is that understood?”
I start to argue with him the same time that Rylee’s voice rises but he cuts us both off. “Is that understood?”
The anger in his voice stuns me momentarily—he’s never spoken to me like this before—and fuck me, Rylee gets the first word in. “No way, Becks! I’m not staying in this room another second with this asshole!”
“Asshole?” It rolls of my tongue as if it’s a question, but she’s right. Fucking right in every sense of the word but I’m so beyond pissed right now. First her and now Becks turning against me? The hairpin trigger has been pulled tight, and I’m primed and ready to fight.
I whip around to face Rylee only to find her body fucking inches from mine. How can I hate and hurt right now but my body vibrates from her nearness? Fuck me, she’s my kryptonite.
Where are the fucking superheroes now?
And I’m so grateful when she speaks because it pulls me from my thoughts—thoughts that are so fucking scattered I can’t figure out which one to focus on. The woman makes me have more personalities than the splintered images of my reflection in that shattered fucking mirror. Her voice forces me to focus on the here and now rather than the memories of what she feels like against me. Beneath me. Part of me.
“Yeah! Asshole!” She sneers at me with such derision that I can feel it pulse in waves off of her.
Good. The wall’s back up. Right where I need it to be. Fucking Christ! If she thinks that’s going to hurt me, she’s gonna have to try a whole fucking lot harder. It’s hard to hurt a man that died inside years ago.
But I swear to God she brought me back to life.
Get your head straight Donavan. Hurt her before she hurts you. You told her the truth. You chased. You tried. She wouldn’t listen. Still isn’t going to listen.
Which means she’s not going to hear me. She’s going to believe whatever the fuck she wants to. And in turn she’s going to leave me.
Break her before she’ll break me.
“You want to talk about assholes? Try that stunt you pulled with bar boy back there. I believe you claimed the title right then, sweetheart.”
“Bar boy? Wow, because having a harmless drink is so much worse than you with your gaggle of whores earlier, right?”
She shoves at my chest and I accept her anger. I welcome the physicality that comes with the force of the push. I welcome the the sting in my heart from that goddamn look in her eyes that says she hates me, loves me, is hurt by me.
I need a fucking minute. I need to stop that burn in my gut and get my fucking head back in the game. I pace back and forth, blowing out a breath to shove the emotion back down, bury it down deep with the rest of my secrets.
I notice the smirk on Becks’ face out of the corner of my eye—the one telling me I’m in so fucking deep and the cement’s starting to harden around my feet…and around my heart—and I can’t help the words that fly out of my mouth. “She’s driving me fucking crazy!”
I’m talking to Beckett, friend to friend, searching for some kind of help here to quiet the confliction within and of course Rylee hangs on to the one word I leave hanging out there for her like a checkered flag in the wind.
“You’d know all about the fucking part seeing as you fucking Tawny is what started this whole thing in the first place,” she screams at me.
I don’t even have time to register the jolt of Beckett’s body beside me before he stutters out, “What?”
“What? He didn’t tell you?” She sneers at him.
Shut the fuck up Rylee. Becks is in big brother mode and this is my fucking business.
“I told the asshole that I loved him. He bailed as fast as he could. When I showed up at the Palisades house a couple days later, Tawny opened the door. In his T-shirt. Only his T-shirt.” She takes a deep breath, focused completely on Beckett and ignoring me. “Colton didn’t have much more on than that either. Told me nothing happened. But that’s a little hard to believe with his notorious reputation. Oh and the condom wrapper in his pocket.”
I cringe, her words hitting every part of me that wants to hide. Becks turns to look at me and I can see the disbelief in his eyes and how pissed he is in the clench of his jaw. “Are you fucking kidding me here?”
“What?” I can hear the confusion in her voice, but I can’t look at her face because I’m too focused on the look on Beckett’s face.
“Leave it, Becks.”
“What the fuck, man?” Here comes the bulldog. Fuckin’ A. He’s not going to leave this alone, is he?
“I’m warning you, Beckett. Stay out of this!” I’m so pissed at myself—at everything that’s happened tonight—the anger inside ignites, and I turn the inferno toward him. My fists clench. My blood boils.
Beckett takes the bait, focusing on me rather than Rylee and adds kerosene to my fire. “When you start jeopardizing my team and the race tomorrow, then it becomes my business…” he shakes his head. “Tell her!”
“Tell me what?” Rylee shouts out in the silence of the room. The only other sound is the testosterone reverberating between Becks and me.
He gives me the look—that look that tells me he is so disappointed in me, mixed with what the fuck are you trying to pull. I give him the only answer I can because right now I don’t even know what I’m fucking doing. “Beckett, she’s like talking to a goddamn brick wall. What good will it do?”
“She’s right. You’re an ass!” He says and I can see the challenge in his eyes even before he spits out his next words. “You won’t tell her? Fine! Then I will!”
I’m done. Hair trigger pulled. Buttons pushed successfully.
My hands are gripped in Becks’ shirt and I’m pressing him against the wall without a second thought, jaw clenched, fists itching. “I said leave it, Becks!”
What the fuck am I doing? About to go to blows with my best friend over a fucking girl? She must be the real deal. Fucking voodoo pussy, my ass. More like schizophrenic pussy. She has me all over the fucking place.
I can see the amusement in Becks’ eyes. The look that says, she’s got you by the balls Wood, and I think you like it, want it, but are scared shitless.
No fucking way.
I’m so fucking pissed and confused my game’s off and no one knows that better than Beckett. He could have our positions reversed in a millisecond. So why hasn’t he pushed back? Taken the bait? Hurt me so that I’m given the due I deserve?
Instead he just lifts an eyebrow at me telling me to show him differently then—show him that Rylee isn’t my final rodeo—before pushing me away.
“Then fucking fix this, Colton! Fix! It!” he shouts the dare at me before yanking the hotel room door open and slamming it shut.
Unsure what to say. Not sure how to escape these confines—from feeling and not wanting to feel and everything in between—I cuss out a storm as I pace the room again trying to ignore the fact that Ry is watching my every movement. Dissecting it apart and trying to draw conclusions I don’t want her to form. If she’s not going to believe me when I told her nothing happened then she’ll never trust me anyway.
How could she really believe I’d want something more when I have her? Perfection. Necessity. The holy motherfucking grail.
Does she know how much it kills me that she thinks I’d do that to her? Rips my fucking gut to shreds. I’ve given more of myself to her than anybody else I’ve ever met and she doesn’t trust me? My poison has tainted her now and I can’t let it continue to any further. I want to punch something—need to desperately—to get rid of this overload of shit coursing through my body.
“What was that all about?” Her voice cuts through the haze but I’m so angry I push it away, keep walking, trying to calm the fuck down before I say something I’ll regret. “Damn it, Colton! What don’t you want me to know?”
She blocks my path and as much as I want to physically pick her up and move her out of the way so that I can wear a hole in the fucking carpet until I can think rationally, I can’t. I want to touch her so bad. Take her. Hold her. Accept her.
But I can’t.
…no one will ever be able to love you…
She doesn’t trust me.
…you’re horrible and disgusting and poisoned inside…
She’s going to leave me.
…you’re like a toxin that will kill them…
…I’m the only one that is ever allowed to love you…
…you’re worthless Colty…
I can do worse and she can do better.
Let her go.
Push her away.
“You really want to know?” I shout at her, hoping she flees and runs at the question but knowing not in a million years that she will. “You really want to know?”
She stands on her tip-toes, those glints of violet boring into mine, daring me to confirm what she already thinks is true in her heart. “Tell me.” Her voice is a quietly calm when she says it. “Are you that Goddamn chicken shit you can’t fess up and just admit it? I need to hear it come out of your mouth so that I can get the fuck over you and get on with my life!”
I don’t know how I swallow. I don’t know how I speak but the words are out of my mouth before I know it. Walls re-erected and solitary confinement a Siren’s song calling to me. “I fucked Tawny.”
Ship crashing against the treacherous ocean rocks.
Silence settles around us but I can hear the locking of the cell.
Feel the quicksand smothering my lungs.
The death of my soul.
“You coward!” She screams at me, hysteria bubbling up. “You goddamn fucking coward!”
“Coward?” I shout at her. Does she have any fucking clue I’m trying to save her? Trying to push her away before I can fuck this up even further? Fuck her over any further? Trying to stem the sudden feeling of need? “Coward?” I ask her, trying to cover up every emotion that wants to pour out of my mouth and make this even worse. I’ll take the pain, but fuck me if I don’t want her to know that I tried to tell her. That I tried and she ignored.
Get your head on straight, Donavan. You either want her or you don’t. Decide. Figure it out because this cerebral war is fucking killing you.
Turn it back on her.
“What about you? You’re so fucking stubborn that you’ve had the truth staring you in the face for three fucking weeks. You’re up there so high and mighty on your goddamn horse you think you know everything! Well you don’t, Rylee! You don’t know shit!”
“I don’t know shit? Really, Ace? Really?” The quiet calm in her voice scares me. Does her lack of fight mean she’s over me? Fuck, no. “Well how’s this? I know a bastard when I see one.”
Self preservation wins.
“Been called worse by better, sweetheart.” I’m not sure if the words are meant as a challenge or a coup de grace. Will she fight for me or flee while she can?
I know my answer in the flash of her hand that’s aiming for my face. Her wrists collide into my hand without a thought, our bodies crashing together with the motion, our lips inches apart. And I’m fucking frozen. Paralyzed in that space of time where I immediately take back everything I said, everything I did, and just crave the simplicity of her addictive taste.
Just want it to be her and I back in front of that mirror. Just want to be man enough and not fucked up enough that when she says those words to me, I don’t cringe. I don’t feel the blackness swallow me whole and smother the air in my lungs, but rather look in her eyes and smile.
Her voice breaks through my haze of regret. “If you were done with me…had your fill of me? You could have just told me!” Hurt fills her eyes and trembles across her lips.
And now that I’ve done it—now that I’ve pushed her away and hurt her with my callous comments—all I want is her back in my arms, my life, at my side. Because done with her? Does she really think that?
As if a single taste of her will ever be enough.
“I’ll never have my fill of you.” I say the words but see the disbelief still warring in her eyes and so I give into the ache. Show her the only way that I know how. Search for the balm to soothe my aching soul and the bleach to purify my blackened heart.
My mouth slants over hers. Takes and tastes and demands. I accept her struggle, accept the fact that she hates me because I hate myself too, but I can feel the need vibrate between us. Can sense that this hunger will never be satisfied. That I’ll never want it to.
She keeps struggling, keeps wanting to hurt me. And I want to tell her to do just that. Hurt me like I deserve. Hurt and love are equivalent to me. The only way I know that love is supposed to be.
But I see it in her eyes. The pain I’ve caused. And yet I still feel the love from her. Still feel like she wants this. Wants me. And even despite all of this…all of the hurt and confusion and spiteful words we spit at each other, I want her desperately. Have to have her desperately.
And I plan to take. I have to get us back to where we were. Where we need to be. To the only place my soul has felt at peace over the past twenty-odd years.
Back to Rylee.
“You want rough, Rylee? And despite the contempt in her eyes, I do the only thing I know how to reclaim her. “I’ll give you rough!”
My lips connect with hers and I do the only thing I can, I take what I want so desperately. What’s mine.
To save myself.
I hope you enjoyed it. It’s just a little thank you when you guys deserve so much more!